I happened to stumble upon an interesting online blog a little while ago, “The Secret to Getting Him to Commit”, written by media and lifestyle expert, Terri Trespicio ( great name!)
Anyway, she made some intriguing points about men’s non-committal behavior with regards to love relationships. Now, this kind of conversation definitely falls within my (and I hope yours), area of interest; the beginnings of love relationships, namely the honeymoon period of relationships.
I must confess; I agreed with a lot of what Ms. T had to say, especially about the idea that commitment to another is largely a decision, to be continually made, and not merely some kind of a personality trait. We agree that commitment to anything (or anyone) is an action, a personal decision as to where you want your valuable time and energy to be spent. As Trespicio says: [commitment] “involves a specific set of choices and actions that any person is perfectly capable of making/doing, and that “getting a man to commit” doesn’t have to be rocket science.” True. Then again, just the phrase, “getting a man to commit” implies a bit of manipulation, doesn’t it? Or does it?
Trespicio goes on to say HOW to go about “getting him to commit” by:
1) Rocking his world, by “blowing his mind” and the need to bring your “A-game” to the new romance. True; there’s got to be that “special something” that exists between you and your new love if you want that commitment made to you and your new partnership. Then again, one could argue that time needs to be a factored in here. Some of my best relationships didn’t start out with a bang, but was more like a steady build-up to love where my “A-game” was just about being myself with no expectations of the other person or where the relationship had to go. Trying to “get her” to commit just wasn’t a factor, but instead, more of a natural progression. I didn’t try to get her to do anything!
2) Make him earn it, this, after you’ve rocked his world. Trespicio: “He has to initiate, make an effort, and earn the thing he wants”. That sounds good, but don’t BOTH prospective partners need to initiate and put out mutual effort, as well? And I have a problem with the words, “payback” and “earn” when considering love relationships. What about the idea of two hopeful people coming together without any preconceived notions about “earning love”, where commitments are made without the need to “strategize” manipulate? Seems to me that if each prospective partner comes to the other in the spirit of non-judgmental openness, playfulness, humor, hope, and curiosity, then commitment by one (or both) to the other, will likely happen naturally and in a more spiritual way. I don’t have to earn a woman’s love to value her. At the end of the day, I value a woman based on her particular beliefs, hopes, dreams, likes, attitudes, intelligence, life perspective, core values – her spiritual outlook. I personally don’t like to think about new love as some kind of chess match or something that needs to be plotted out – a ploy to make a person commit or necessarily have to “do” anything to earn my love.
Trespicio goes on to state: “Men don’t want it [the pursuit of love] easier”. I would say that a lot of men will make the necessary effort to establish intimacy, and really don’t mind the “quest” of the other. It’s just that they (we?) don’t want to grovel or lose precious self-esteem. Like most women, most men don’t want to give their power away. But is compromise about giving away power? Compromise surely has its place in new love, doesn’t it? (I’d like to ask Ms. T about that!)
But we do agree that most people, man or woman, have the capacity to commit themselves to another. But I want to take it one step further and question a person’s readiness for that commitment to actually be made. I think we have to consider their current life situation, always taking into account their level of mental healthiness or unhealthiness. I also happen to believe, as respectfully opposed to Ms. Trespicio, that a person’s maturity and personal “evolution” has a lot to do with one’s readiness to commit, especially where new love is concerned. Fear and self-loathing too often block intimacy from developing, which, in turn, stifles any freely-made commitment to love.
So you don’t have to “blow my mind” to “get” me to commit or “earn” your love. Just being the person you truly are, not forcing the issue, and letting the powers that be guide us on our new journey to love, is more than enough for me to freely, without any preconceived strategies, commit to you – but only when I’m ready.
And Terri Trespicio, I’m glad you were able to get your man to commit to you and your relationship – sounds like he was ready for it.
Here’s Terri Trespicio’s original article: http://territrespicio.com/how-to-get-a-guy-to-commit-if-thats-what-you-want
You can also find her on Twitter: @TerriT