A dear friend of mine, Kelly L., recently emailed some of her thoughts about pace and relationship compatibility to me. I’m sure my readers will relate to what she has to say, especially those who are seekers of true love. So, with her permission, I’m posting this! Enjoy!
When I think about qualities that I’d want in a potential mate, some that come to mind are:
- Like minded morals and ethics
- Comparable political beliefs
– Religion/spiritual path that resonates
– Similar socio-economic background
– Has a career path
– Similar education level.
And let’s not forget some basic personality traits:
But what about pace of life?
One trait that I’ve been pondering more and more is pace – the basic tempo at which one lives their life.
Are you a fast eater, or do you savor every bite?
Are you quick to get out the door in the morning, or are you more like me, someone who naturally has a slower rhythm; who eats slowly, takes time to think through work problems, and actually stops to chat with friends.
The fact is, I’m not usually in that big of a rush – that’s just me.
This issue of pace became very important to my life on two separate occasions.
The first was in my marriage of twenty years.
We had different paces; me being the slower one and my ex, who always moved a lot quicker in everything he did. But we always seemed to work it out, and, for a while, it was not really that much of an issue between us.
Then, a medical problem necessitated my ex to take a certain medication which caused him even more anxiety, impulsiveness, and impatience.
He would suddenly become very unhappy, especially about my pace with everything.
When I would say, “just give me a minute,” he would snap back, “Nothing ever takes you a minute!”
Of course, this discrepancy of pace was not the only thing that eventually destroyed the marriage, but it was definitely a big part of it.
Learning from past incompatibility
Fast forward to my second situation, after I became separated and started to date.
One particular date that held great promise, was with a man who also was just coming off of a long marriage. He was smart, funny, seemingly nice, and had a good attitude about life.
We went out several times, and we really liked each other.
One day, we spent the time swimming and soaking in hot tubs. By the late afternoon, it was time to go off to our respective locker rooms to shower. While I was walking away, he remarked, “I’ll see you in a few minutes.” I thought to myself, “Uh oh, I don’t ever just take a few minutes.” I had hoped it was just his figure of speech and not what he was most likely requesting of me. Well, when I joined him a half hour later, he was fuming.
Nevertheless, we did attempt to work out our differences.
In one e-mail from me, I pointed out that, “I have a slower pace, that I needed to be more aware of it, and not to take too long doing things.” But I also requested that, in return, he would need to be more patient and willing to slow down.
“We would drive each other to drink.”
In the end, we both decided that we were not going to pursue a romantic relationship because of our different paces (not to mention his over-the-top impatience!)
I think that pace should be a category included on all dating sites, right up there with “Occupation,” “Smoker/Non Smoker”, and “Religion.”
Under the heading of GENERAL PACE OF LIFE, they could list these options:
“Medium/Gets it done”
“Slow savored pace.”
This “life tempo” issue is a big one for me, and needs to be continuously taken into account, that is, if success in love is what I’m truly after.
I’m hoping that you can relate to what I’m sharing with you, especially if you want genuine love and intimacy in your life.
But take it from me: Pace matters!
*If you can relate to what Kelly says about pace and relationship compatibility, we’d like to hear from you! Please leave your remarks, even your story, in the comments section below – and please, take all the time you need!
*And for more thoughts and information about relationships, check out the wealth of other articles on this site!