Have you ever had that gnawing feeling, especially on those long, lonely nights, of wanting a warm body curled up next to you, more specifically, your “old flame”? Is being single and the uncertain and often disappointing dating scene just not cutting it anymore? Are you still thinking about the possibility of getting that special “him” or “her” back into your life? Could this actually be a good time to reconcile with your ex-partner? Well, that’s what this blog is all about – getting your ex back!
Attempting reconciliation with an estranged spouse or former lover is a tricky and often stressful proposition – almost as stressful as the original break-up itself! At the end of the day, reconciliation is a challenging (to say the least!) process of great change, re-adjustment and a whole lot of humility.
That feeling of “wanting” your ex back may ebb and flow; from an overly sentimental and idealistic view, coupled with a complete forgetting of the bad times (I call that denial!), to a sudden jolt of reality with regards to why you broke up in the first place. That’s why it’s so important when deciding if you really want the ex back, to be sure about your intentions in the most realistic way possible.
And talk about the expectations surrounding reconciliation! They certainly abound and can, all too often, involve some self-centeredness with regards to our possible need for a renewed acceptance and entitlement from the other. We may even make new demands on our ex, including those in the sexual arena. But, then again, we’re only human, right?
But if you do embark on a reconciliation with your old lover or partner, (assuming they’re open to the idea), A LOT of old, unfinished “stuff” and issues will have to be worked through; it’s unavoidable! The question is, are you (and your ex-partner), willing to deal with a whole new relationship groundwork, including a revitalized spirit of trust and cooperation? You’ll definitely have to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, for reconciliation success. Not so easy, right?
A revitalized spirit of trust – a tall order, indeed! After all, there must have been a lot of distrust swirling around you and your ex, not to mention all the past resentments. It’ll be a challenge not to be too triggered by all these dysfunctional issues that had plagued your relationship before. Remember when he didn’t come home night after night? Or when she just didn’t seem to be there for you when you really needed the support? And all those energy-draining arguments? The poor communication? The power struggles? The emotional unavailability? The major and minor conflicts that were too often left unresolved? Don’t be surprised if some old hurtful residual feelings come up as you enter this new phase of communication with your ex-partner.
And what about the ex? If you want him/her back, you’ll certainly have to listen to their side of the story, their perspective on what went wrong (and right) in the relationship. What about their residual resentments and anxieties about reconciliation? Are you ready to really hear what they have to say?
A new mutual trust and intimacy has to be rebuilt for a true and lasting reconciliation. A new understanding with love and compassion has to be present for a successful reunion to happen. We have to be less critical and more open to new, emerging possibilities for revitalized partnership. Tears may fall and even anger may persist as we enter into new discussions with our ex. Fears will have to be addressed with an unknowable time line as to how slow or fast reconciliation would possibly take hold. Some say true reconciliation only happens in God’s time, not ours. So supreme patience is required, not to mention acceptance, especially if things don’t go the way you or your previous partner planned.
Reconciliation could be described as a “new era of exploration,” containing within it the highest of hopes. But what if things really don’t go the way you or your ex planned? What if you both find that there was just too much residual damage from times gone by to realistically follow through with reconciliation? What if you two are just too far apart to come back together again? That’s definitely a tough decision to make, but only you can make it.
All this may sound a bit disheartening. I don’t mean to be pessimistic about the process of rekindling old flames, but I also want to be realistic. Many “relationship gurus” out there act like “getting your ex back” is effortless, provided that you do and say the right things at the right time. I’m more of the opinion that avoiding manipulation, power plays, and selfish communication should always be your first priority. Rather than just thinking about how you can “win” your ex back, maybe some conscious communication is in order, where the two of you openly discuss whether it would be right for you to get back into a love relationship. Maturity, responsibility, honesty, and respect for yourself and your (ex)partner is the name of the game.
Whether or not this particular relationship works out or not, you always deserve love. Put genuine effort into working through the situation in a sincere and conscious way, giving space to both your own needs and theirs. Then, however things turn out, you can rest in the knowledge that you’ve maintained your integrity and created the conditions necessary for the perfect love to come your way.