I came across a great Huffington Post article yesterday entitled “A Myth about Meeting Men That Needs to End.” It was a thoughtful discussion about the efficacy of bars as a viable place for women to meet men, despite lingering rumors to the contrary.
Online dating specialist, Joshua Pompey, makes some very salient points about bars, as being perfectly reasonable options for women to find a suitable dating prospect.
He also talks about how most bars these days, at least the more respectable ones, are helping to dispel the myth epitomized by this familiar refrain of so many frustrated female seekers of love:
“There are no good guys at bars.”
The Creeps and the Nice Guys
I mean, there are such things as respectable bars frequented by respectable men, aren’t there?
Pompey sums up his argument with this brilliant and persuasive quote:
“I can all but guarantee there are countless nice guys with relationship potential at bars every single day, in every city, in every state. Maybe not at Billy Bob’s local saloon where you can indulge in 50 cent draft beers and a free neon condom with every purchase. I’m talking about respectable bars that ordinary professionals frequent to kick back and have a few drinks.”
He also goes on to say, in so many words, that it’s the creeps, those shameless bar hounds, who usually make the tacky passes at all those hopeful and trusting women.
So, with all this overt, predatory behavior happening down at the local watering hole, it’s no surprise that many ladies don’t consider a bar a good place to meet a good man.
Pompey says that it’s the nice guys—those thoughtful, non-overbearing men, who may sincerely want to meet someone special, where “getting laid for a one night stand is the farthest thought in their minds”.
Okay, fair enough.
The Female Hunter
But what really caught my eye, the thing that I really resonated with, is when Pompey offers up the idea that women who do all the complaining about there being “no decent men at bars”, need to look up, notice, and approach.
In other words, it’s time for women to become more assertive—as he puts it, “to become the hunters”:
“If you want to find a great guy then become the hunter. Spot out the good guys that are just politely hanging out with friends. Approach with a smile and strike up a conversation. You will be amazed at how receptive and flattered these men usually are when a nice woman approaches.”
I love this notion, because it rings so true and applies to any situation and to any place.
That Nagging Stereotype
I know there’s that stereotype still floating around about men being the natural pursuers of women, the appointed aggressors, and the accompanying idea that women should always be the passive “acceptors” of a man’s advances.
So, what’s going on here?
Is this truly the New Millennium, or are we still living back in Victorian times, when women were looked at and treated as common chattel, as sweet-smelling sex objects to be wantonly taken?
It’s time to dispel gender stereotypes. Hopefully, we now live in a time where women can finally be heard—just like their male counterparts.
Equal Opportunity Daters
I agree with Stephen Pompey, not so much by casting women as “hunters,” but certainly portraying women as equal opportunity participants in today’s dating world.
But with this assertion comes added responsibility.
It means that those women, especially the grumblers, instead of sitting there, passively waiting to be pursued, need to act in their own best interest. They may need to approach one of the “nice guys,” with their own unique brand of assertiveness, kindness, and sincere interest.
Women need to step up to the plate and do more to make love happen – whether at a bar or in line at the local market.
The Main Point
The main point is this: Potential love can be found anywhere and at any time, that is, if everyone, man or woman, takes that first step to love—fearlessly, assertively, and equally.
I wish you all the best with your exciting search for love.
Robert Page Kaufman, therapist and author, has been helping people to enter into and sustain their love relationships for years. He’s also written a book entitled Honeymoon Forever: Secrets to Life Long Intimacy.
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